For my grandmother’s 70th birthday, my family planned a nice dinner for Grandma’s (G-ma) Big Day. Streamers, balloons, lots of food, champagne. My cousins, brother and I teamed up to give our G-ma a tear-jerking present: 70 Reasons Why We Love Grandma framed in silver. Each of us wrote 11-13 points, which, combined, added to 70 reasons. When presented, it went as planned…tear jerking. My aunt decided to give G-ma her gift and offered everyone the chance to see it outside, when, a cop pulled in the drive-way and walked across the backyard. “You’ve been a naughty grandma,” he says, “or should I say ‘great’” (she has great-grandchildren). Then he presses the remote control for ’sexy dance music’ and rips off his velcro pants. “That’s when you know they’re not a legit cop, when they wear velcro pants,” my uncle said.
It seems seeing your grandma react to a young male stripper would be funny, and in theory it is. But to me, it’s just embarrassing. Not the act itself, but how abnormal it is. How many families would hire a male stripper for their granny? “You know what this means, don’t you?” I asked my cousin, “We are now officially dysfunctional.” “I know,” said my cousin, “that’s why I love it!”
On twitter, I wrote (oops, I mean tweeted) about this dysfunctional event. A friend tweeted back saying we are “one awkward sorta incestual relationship away from becoming the Tenenbaums. Either that or your grandma is Betty White.” Which, I loved because A) The Royal Tenenbaums is one of my favourite movies and B) who doesn’t love Betty White?
In the mean time, I enjoyed my latest obsession… Kathy Griffin; My Life on the D-List. After missing out on the hilariousness that is Kathy Griffin for years, I finally found the BRAVO show on YouTube and have been watching all the seasons on my computer. Dating for publicity instead of love (like a fool), hosting the Gay Porn Awards, and wearing a rat suit behind her backyard to get her dog Pom-Pom to stay in the yard certainly is pretty weird. Her strangeness seems like Kathy would be the family odd-ball, but not so. Her sweet Irish parents love to drink. And by love, I mean they drink at 4 in the afternoon thinking it’s 5, and drink at gay bars because the drinks are cheaper.
Through watching Kathy Griffin and her family’s bizarre habits, I learned that every family is one incestuous relationship away from being the Tenenbaums. Everyone has a Royal, the no-good man who purposely shot his son with a BB gun and always is sure to mention that Margot is adopted. Everyone has a Chas, the family genious obsessed with his sons safety. Every family has a Margot, the depressed women who spends her day watching TV in the bathtub while secretly smoking. But every family also has an Eli, the close friend who desperately wants to be a part of your family, because your family is so cool to them. However, if your family has a Richie (the tennis champ in love with his adopted sister Margot), then, well, that’s just weird.
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