Never stick your tongue to a pole/A Christmas Story
Last night was my grandparents annual Carol Sing. As a child, I looked forward to this occasion; I would get dressed up, hand around Hors d’oeuvres to guests and sing Christmas carols. But the occasion has changed quite a bit since my childhood; my grandparents decided to keep it strictly family and make it into a competition. No more relaxing carols, now immediate families band together and compete for a trophy. And the second portion of the competition has the grandkids dueling it out for first place in a talent competition. I’m sure there aren’t many families who hold such events, so let me tell you, it’s a stressful experience.
For the family talent, my parents and I recited Steve Martin’s SNL “A Holiday Wish” sketch, cutting the inappropriate content and dividing it for three people to read. But with one family that spray painted a giant
tree onto fabric, cutting out holes to stick their heads into and bribing everyone with cookies; a pregnant cousin that painted Santa Clause onto her stomach; a baby dressed as Santa with her parents as reindeers; and a cute singing four-year-old, we didn’t stand a chance. Needless to say, the four-year-old won. When he got that silver spray painted measuring-cup-on-a-stick, he literally cried tears of joy.
As for the grandkids competition, there was a different problem… none of us have any talent. Or, at least stage-worthy talent. Since I couldn’t copy edit in front of an audience, I went to my usual resort, the piano, and played the Beatles’ “Yesterday.” As for my cousins: one told a joke, one told a fortune, one read a poem and, since the four-year-old’s mom was home, he represented momma. The winner? The four-year-old again. How could you resist a knock-knock joke by a little kid? Too cute!
As nerve-wracking as the occasion is for someone who prefers crawling under a table over a piano recital, it is enjoyable. Spending time with family, eating delicious desserts and watching the performances is a fun evening; but competitive events like this is rare among typical family get-togethers. I’ve written about my dysfunctional family before and although our Christmas is “cookie cutter,” our family Christmas carol is not. Luckily, I have pop culture to make me feel normal again, with film and television showing the unusual Christmas traditions of the middle-class family. Here are my personal favourites, A Christmas Story and Seinfeld’s “Festivus.”
A Christmas Story
Based on author Jean Shepherd’s childhood, A Christmas Story tells the story of 9-year-old Ralphie Parker and his wish for a Red Ryder BB gun. Every family can relate to the Parker’s and that is what makes A Christmas Story a family classic. From Ralphie spurting the “F, dash, dash, dash word” to Mr. Parker winning the leg lamp, A Christmas Story is a film I watch every year and still giggle to.
Seinfeld
One of my favourite Seinfeld episodes features Frank Costanza’s holiday, Festivus. Tired of the tinsel and expense of Christmas, Frank created “A Festivus for the rest of us.” Complete with the Festivus pole-as opposed to a Christmas tree-Feats of Strength, and the Airing of Grievances; Festivus is the secular holiday made hilarious on Seinfeld.
Television Christmas specials and themed movies remind me that my family isn’t so different after all. Mrs. Parker’s ruined Christmas feast and George’s grudge over his family’s tradition makes me laugh and realize that maybe my Christmas tradition isn’t so strange.
Tweet me your wacky family traditions.