will Ali find love?

I love “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” It is trashy reality TV enveloped in fairy tale romance, which brings me back season after season. Although the ABC show boasts high ratings, I’m always surprised at the lack of people I actually know who watch it. Even my four roomates drew blank stares when I gushed about the program. So, when Jake Pavelka took to the small screen for his run as “The Bachelor,” I was prepared to sit by my lonesome making snarky remarks at the women like a bitter middle-aged divorcee. However, slowly but surely, three of my four roomies trickled in. One came to watch as a homework break, one glanced over while cooking dinner and another came to watch while doing homework (not sure how that assignment turned out.) By the end of the episode, they were all hooked.

“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” has that hook; that quick grab that takes your attention and leaves you craving more come credit roll. It has romance, drama, reality trashiness, beautiful dresses and glamorous lifestyles all squeezed into one delicious show. But I think what my roomates and I enjoyed most was judging the contestants.

At first, I think I caught them quite off-guard with my brutally honest comments about the women vying for Jake’s attention. I knew who would not go very far in the race for Jake’s heart and, I’ll admit, it was mostly based on superficial reasons. But I’ve been watching this show for years and-as devotees of the show know-there’s people who possess the same qualities and, season after season, they do not make it to the final rose ceremony.

Ali’s season of “The Bachelorette” just started, so I thought I’d compile a list of people who won’t receive a final rose in “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” The list is based on previous seasons and perhaps even shows that the last woman/man standing is quite a conventional TV leading lady/man. Of course, there are exceptions to the rules.

1. You wear a really ugly dress to the first cocktail party. Sorry, first impressions count and if you wearing a gargantuan monstrosity to meet your future husband, then you won’t receive a rose.

2. You wear a cheap looking suit to the first cocktail party. Even worse, it is in a light shade of grey or pastel. Shudder*

3. You’re crazy. Remember that doctor who was desperate for children in Aaron’s season of “The Bachelor”? “Horse before the cart,” girl; That’s what he said before saying good-bye.

4. Even worse than desperately wanting children is to already have a family. Jason Mesnick did all right with DeAnna, but he didn’t receive that final rose, and then became infamous with his own season of “The Bachelor.”

5. You are oddly short (this applies to both ladies and gents.)

6. You are really fake baked. If you rock an orange glow, I suggest applying for Snookie’s prospective dating show, “Snookin’ for Love.”

7. You make sex jokes. Example: “Shooter” from Ali’s season and landing strip girl from Jake’s season.

8. You are the season tattle-tale. Every season of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” has the token tattle-tale who’s “just looking out for you” and “doesn’t want to see you get hurt.” Oh, and throw in a “even if it’s not me at the end, I just want you to be happy” for good measure. The tattle-tale never wins, but he/she may snag their own season, a la Jake Pavelka.

9. Now if being the tattle-tale is paired with a weird foot fetish, you stand no chance of getting the final rose or getting a spin-off. Tanner from Jillian’s season of “The Bachelorette” was so hilarious with his creepy foot obsession. I’m surprised how long he lasted, but I wasn’t surprised when Jillian finally gave him the boot. I think he loved her feet more than he loved her.

10. You are a women over 30 years old. You might as well become a lonely old maid as far as the Bachelor is concerned.

11. You are a man under 25 years old. You might as well be in high school.

12. You live with your parents. It’s just not going to happen.

13. You’re Canadian.

14. If you make it to the family date, your family may just be the cause of your demise. Remember Naomi from Jason’s season? Her family was super bizarre (I believe they even held a funeral for a dead bird.) Give your ma and pa a good talking to before introducing them to your prospective husband/wife, because they may just blow your chances.

15. You have unconventional hair. If you are a woman with short or curly hair, or a man with lengthy hair, you’re probably not going to make it very far. Exception: Jesse from DeAnna’s year (although that didn’t work out anyway.)

16. You are a woman with a husky, smoker’s voice.

17. You are a guy with a high-pitched voice.

18. You are obviously there for the wrong reasons (Honestly Jillian, why did it take you that long to send Wes packing?)

19. You’re having an affair with the show’s producer (*cough, cough Rozlyn.)

20. You are a man that clearly gets his eyebrows waxed.

21. You have red hair.

22. You are not white. Seriously, why does the final rose always go to a Caucasian?

23. The other guys hate you (*cough, cough Juan.) This does not apply to women, as demonstrated by Vienna.

24. You have an unusual name.

25. You don’t have abs. Oh wait, you won’t even make it on the show if you don’t have abs.

Shallow? Perhaps, but I like to think I’m just being honest in a Simon Cowell sort of way. I’ve been watching this show for years and you can’t disagree that people with these characteristics won’t make it to the end. Perhaps this season will prove me wrong, but so far the men with messy hair, the men who wear suits in light shades, and the men with weird voices have been sent home- so, according to my list, Ali’s right on par with former Bachelorettes.
New content is on my new website, The Pop Can!